January Contest

2009-01-24T19:23:00.000-08:00

The strangest gift we ever got was from someone who, in reality, should not have even been giving us a gift.

Yep, wedding crashers.

To be fair, they didn’t EXACTLY crash it. My dear husband’s dear parents had some dear friends who were, in fact, invited to our wedding. Lovely people, truly. Let’s call them Bob and Jane.

About a week or so before the wedding the long-lost son of Bob and Jane returned from wherever he had been. He’d essentially dropped out of society to wear live animals as hats or some such thing (so sorry, Gary Larsen). We’ll call him Larry.

The details on exactly how Larry got wind of our wedding are a bit sketchy to me. I am going to guess my father-in-law spilled it after a couple glasses of wine. Not that the wedding was a secret, but since I’d never met Larry and my husband hadn’t seen him since they were about 4 years old, we didn’t feel a huge urge to have Larry belly up to the pasta bar (it was long ago when carbs were not synonymous with Satan) and do the Electric Slide with us.

Anyhow, somehow Larry got the idea that he should come to the wedding, and bring his new bride and his brides’s teenage daughter. Though it came as a surprise when they showed up, there really was no reason that having three extra people was a big deal – except that the teenage daughter (let’s call her “Britney” for no particular reason …) made quite the spectacle of herself. She was dressed like she was auditioning for a role in the off-off Broadway musical “Tramps R Us” and hit on every guy under 25, regardless of their marital or dating status. She flailed her body around the dance floor as if she were possessed.

The kicker, though, was at the bouquet toss. I randomly tossed (i.e. carefully aimed) the trophy toward a particular bridesmaid. Since I am a klutz, my carefully aimed random toss actually went a bit over the head of my target. Nevertheless, this bridesmaid did the jump and grab and had the bouquet in her grasp when BAM! Britney came up behind her and grabbed it out of her hands.

How rude.

The only people who realized what had happened were me, my bridesmaid, and Britney. To everyone else, it just looked like Britney scooped a bridesmaid fumble. Heck, nobody else even knew this chick wasn’t on the guest list.

Oh, right. The purpose of this tale was to share with you the weirdest gift ever.

I’ve never crashed a wedding, nor read Emily Post’s Wedding Crasher Etiquette, so I don’t know what an appropriate gift is for such an occasion. For all I know they were completely in bounds.

Larry, Bride of Larry, and Britney brought us a lovely, lovely his-and-hers set of SuperSoakers. You know, the huge plastic squirt guns? We scratched our heads and giggled.

But that was not all, folks. The SuperSoakers were accompanied by a world-famous JUICE TIGER! As seen On TV. Except that the one Seen On TV was in working order. This one was broken in several pieces, and held together only by the crumpled box it came in. The wrapping paper was fine, so you know that they willingly and with malice aforethought wrapped up damaged goods and brought them to us as a gift.

(I am talking about the Juice Tiger, not Britney, though she was a real treat to have around as well.)

And they were not even monogrammed. Sheesh.

Submitted by Kimberly

WINNER!

2009-01-19T19:04:00.000-08:00

Hi, I have a gift giving story about my husband’s family. I’ve been married to my wonderful, crazy and sick sense of hummered husband for sixteen years and he and his nutty family never stop shocking me. Every year, until we moved to another state, my husband myself and our two kids would get together with all of his family on Christmas Eve.

It’s a big group with his mom, two sisters and everyone’s better halves and the thirteen grandkids. As part of our Christmas tradition the adults would do a white elephant gift exchange. You probably know what this is. Each person gets something from around their house that they don’t want any more and they wrap it up to give away.

We drew numbers out of a hat and the first person would pick a gift. The next person could trade for an opened gift that they liked or choose a new one. It can get quite violent and nasty. All in the Christmas spirit of course. Sometimes the gifts themselves became a tradition. I recall the same summer sausage being passes around for several years in a row. If we ever tried to eat it we would probably end up in the hospital.

My hubby’s family even took the opportunity to get quite creative with some of the gifts and my sister in law made a tee shirt with a picture of my brother in law’s big hair back side printed on it!

By the end of the night we were always roaring with laughter and this tradition was always a highlight of Christmas for us. Most of us took all year to plot what we would give next Christmas.

Well one year, shortly before Christmas, my husband’s dear old grandmother passed away. It defiantly put a somber mood on the holiday but we went ahead with the festivities and tried to keep the spirits up. Christmas Eve would not be complete without our white elephant gift exchange and as we began some of our old favorites came out. Petrified summer sausage……Big hair ass shirt…..They were funny but something was missing.

Anyway, it was my turn to choose a gift and I decided to chance it and pick a new box form the pile. This is always a dangerous choice but I was feeling a bit froggy and gave it a shot. The box was pretty, sometimes the wrapping was as dangerous as the gift, so I should have known something was up.

I tore open the wrapping and opened the tissue and there was a big pair of granny panties. Not just any granny panties. They were The granny panties! My sister in law wrapped up a pair of their dead grannies panties.

I was in SHOCK!

There was absolute silence. Were we going to laugh or cry hysterically? Well the giggling started slowly and just kept building until we were all rolling on the floor in hilarity. That gift was so sick! What else could we do but crack up laughing? Grannies panties made a return visit to our Christmas tradition for several years. I think it was a great tribute to her and the nutty sense of humor her family has.

Submitted by Tamara

2009-01-17T14:07:00.000-08:00

I have always gotten interesting things for gifts from my boss. I love her to death. She is a wonderful lady. And she means well. One year for Christmas she informed me she had found something truly unique. This of course frightened me. And with good cause.

This wonderful well meaning woman gave me soup. Yep soup. Not one but two kinds of frozen vegetarian soup. It seems she stumbled upon a local soup store. Who knew there was such a place. So she got me soup and 2 soup bowls. Now I like soup as much as anyone but I am not to fond of vegetables let alone vegetarian soups. TO this day if I get a weird gift from her my husband will tell tell me "At least it is not soup."

Submitted by Holly

2009-01-17T11:27:00.000-08:00

Okay, I wasn't going to enter because I really don't have an elaborate story. But I thought, what the heck. So here is my story.

For Mother's Day my husband asked me what I wanted. He kept at me until finally I said, "You know what? I'd love some note cards. I could use them to write Thank You notes and notes to the kids' teachers."

Mother's Day came and I unwrapped my gift...a three subject college rule notebook. Note cards? Notebooks? Really, is there a difference?

Submitted by Tess
Outnumber2to1

2009-01-16T08:06:00.000-08:00

One year for my birthday I received a wonderful wood jewelry box from my husband. It was hand crafted by a local person, and my sons helped him pick out the perfect one. I have displayed this jewelry box on my dresser ever since receiving it as a gift.

Fast forward a few years and DH had resorted to doing all his Christmas shopping in the few days before Christmas. On Christmas morning, I opened my gift from my DH, and it was another jewelry box, a tacky one. I gushed on how much I liked it, etc, etc. as I didn’t want to hurt his feelings. But later I asked him how many jewelry boxes does a girl need?

Ya know, the ONLY time of the year the major department stores sell these tacky type of jewelry boxes is at Christmas. They are always sitting in the stores near the escalators, or door ways. And they have those fake velvet linings, and spinning necklace holders. Yeah, that is the tacky kind of jewelry box I received on Christmas morning.

So, for several years both jewelry boxes sat on my dresser, waiting to be filled with gifts of jewelry from my husband. That never has happened, and DH has been reminded every year we go shopping at Christmas time to NOT buy me one of those tacky jewelry boxes available on at Christmas time at the major department stores. He has also been reminded to BUY me jewelry to fill them both.

And now, about 10 years since the second jewelry box came into my home, it has been demoted from my dresser to the attic, and I am still working on filling that first, cherished, beautiful, wooden jewelry box.

Submitted by Denise

2009-01-16T07:20:00.001-08:00

As a young girl in the mid-1970's, I received a reproduction Charlie McCarthy doll for Christmas, from some friends of my father. We all know how wildly popular Edgar Bergen and Charlie McCarthy were with young girls in the 1970's. ;)

Did I have an unusual fascination with 1930's ventriloquism? Ummm, no. In fact, ventriloquists creeped me out. I can't even fathom what these people were thinking. "It's a doll! Girls love dolls, right?"

I still remember that it came in a large, long, rectangular box, with the words "Charlie's Back!" on the cover. It was very creepy.

Hands down, that was the weirdest gift I ever received.

Submitted by Maureen

2009-01-15T16:55:00.001-08:00

On a freezing day in hell a package arrived. Thoughts of goodies filled the air. My kids were excited to know what their grandfather had sent them for Christmas. Ohh a new white jacket for an 11 year old girl! Fantastic! Oh a shirt that would look great on an 11 year old street walker who had cleavage! I think she was more excited to get the skirt she left in California while she was out there than the gifts she received. Maybe they think she is growing up a little too fast. There is nothing that a zillion washes on the coat or a tank top under the shirt can’t fix.

On to the next kid; my son, the 16 year old, who is about as Emo as you can get. You know the kids who wear clothes that are almost too small, the skinny jeans kind of kids. You’ve seen them, the ones with the facial piercings. You know the ones that usually frighten people. Surprise! I black t-shirt! Hey, right on! You can never go wrong with a black t-shirt. Right? WRONG! Size XL. The only thing XL on this kid may be his feet. Yea! A Black, grey and white camouflage shirt! Wow XL, well mom I can put it over my snowboarding jacket. Always the positive thinker I tell ya! If you get lost on a side of the mountain no one will be able to find you due to the camouflage. Hey great! A hoodie…size XL! Well it’s another thing I can put over my snowboarding jacket! The tags have yet to have been removed.

Well that was great fun! What’s in store for me? Awesome reversible hoodie! SWEET! A Southpole tube top? What? Are you kidding me? A tube top? Really? I didn’t wear them in the 80’s! Now at 35 I don’t plan on getting into it. This wouldn’t be so bad if I didn’t have a step sister who is 5 months older than me and is into the same things as I am. I wonder if she got a tube top. I have yet to ask. Maybe I can find another one and make them into leg warmers. Oh or maybe a neck warmer! I’m thinking not even my son could come up with another purpose for this thing not even after the hysterical laughter that filled the room. A tube top? Really? I’ve thought about putting it up for sale on Ebay. But I just can’t. I know that so much thought was put into this gift. How can I just get rid of it? It should mean so much to me. It doesn’t. I’m a horrible daughter. I know that they have got to be hurting so bad for money. Ya know its hard owning 3 houses. It’s not that I expected more things for Christmas. They could have stopped at the jackets they sent. That would have been plenty. I know someone can’t possible get everything right so stopping at 2 out of 3 things sent were good. But they had to go 5 out of 7 things bad. Who does that?

After I let it sink in I did call my father to ask him if it was a joke. He did tell me that my step mom thought I would like it. OK, so what he is telling me is that he had no say so over what was bought for his daughter and his grand kids? Wow. That’s impressive. He asked me to send them back. I just can’t. I would like to keep them as a reminder of how little he knows me and my children.

Submitted by Sarah

2009-01-15T16:50:00.000-08:00

Every year my family asks me what I want for Christmas, Birthdays, Anniversaries, Halloween... well any gift giving holiday. I never ask them, because, as an intelligent mom, anytime a family member says" I really like that", or "I wish I had one of them" I either write the item down, or buy it then. That makes sense to me, as I have a short memory, and lots of family.

So I don't think that the excuses that some people use, like not knowing what I want, or running out of time, are valid. If a gift giving occasion is on the same date every year, then you know that date, and you have 364 days to shop for it. Right?

So in Christmas of 2007 I was opening gifts with the family. There are the usual brightly wrapped 2x3 feet boxes that have a CD in them, and the ornate boxes with packs of gum and candy. The usual.. So when my (usually) thoughtful 16 year old son hands me an oddly and rather funky shaped wrapped package I get excited. It is different, even for our family. Not wrapped to well, but well enough that I can't tell what it is, and I can always tell, even when you wrap some bricks around 2x4s to hide a gift card!

I start to open it...
Surprise! Its a nonstick spatula, and it looks like the one I have been missing from the kitchen for the last few days. And better yet, it has a big burned scar across the flipping part of it. What the hey? Then I get yet another odd shaped and wrapped package from the same kid. And in side that one is a brand new, unburned spatula... oh, the joy....

As the son said, "Mom I asked what you wanted! And you never said!" But he and a friend had been cooking and managed to burn the spatula - no idea how. Don't want to know. Those things are rated to about 6000 degrees. I did fear for my pots and pans...

So he got cooking lessons. And it has been a bonus for us both. He can now cook, and I don't have to!

I didn't get the spoon that matches for Christmas this year. He said he didn't have an extra $8 to go and get me one. He did ask to borrow a ten the day before Christmas....

Submitted by Athene :)